Things I learned about kids this weekend

I haven’t spent much time with kids in my life. Sure, I love them and they seem to love hitting, punching and kicking me (playfully, sometimes) … but when it comes to spending more than a few hours with toddlers, I’m very inexperienced.
My sister and her 2 1/2-year-old nephew spent the weekend at our place for Easter, and both my wife and I got a lot of quality time with Pearce, the redheaded knucklehead pictured in the previous post.
Pearce is too smart for his own good, and he knows way more than I think I did when I entered kindergarten. I learned quickly that he knows TOO much, and it’s much harder to trick kids than I thought.
But here are the lessons I’ve learned and the ones I’ll take with me when we start our own family:
• Kids love hot dogs: Jennifer cooked homemade corndogs for Pearce this week, and he immediately began picking the “corn” part off and just ate the dog. He also preferred hot dogs to a baked ham (same animal, kid), and he preferred hot dogs to noodles. I’ll remember to stock up on a year’s supply of franks when my kids hit 2-3.
• Spongebob=attention getter: I’m sure a 2-year-old doesn’t “get” 95 percent of the humor that’s in your average Spongebob Squarepants episode. But it DOES star a bright yellow sponge, takes place underwater, is wacky and has bright colors. Spongebob will quiet a kid immediately. This is important to know.
• Kids mimick: I admit, I will say the occasional cuss word. Who am I kidding … I can approach sailor levels at times. But I had to watch myself around Pearce, a kid who’ll learn a new song in 5 minutes and will learn a new word in 5 seconds. It was difficult, and I had my missteps, but I believe he escaped our home cuss word free.
• Little boys love trains: Whether it’s his Thomas the Train Engine toys and coloring book, or the giant train he could climb on in downtown Sanford, trains are the best thing in the world to my nephew. And what’s not to like? They’re big, they chug, they go “choo choo” and they have faces (the Thomas versions, anyway).
• Timeouts work, but they shouldn’t: I’ll admit, I was skeptical when my sister threatened Pearce with a timeout (1-2 minutes sitting against a wall with no talking and no toys). I mean, c’mon … a few minutes of “alone time” would be the best thing in the world for me at times, and it definitely wouldn’t be a punishment.
Boss: Billy, why wasn’t that meeting covered today? Go to timeout?
Me: Gladly. Can I take about 15 minutes?
But sure enough, this kid hated … HATED … timeout. I guess for a little boy who wants attention, loves to talk and loves to explore, a few minutes against a wall is hell. And it worked, most of the time. Pearce ate his food when a timeout was brought up. He paid attention. He’s a good kid to begin with, and I give my sister all the credit in the world for it.
Sidenote: Chocolate also works the opposite way a timeout does. If you offered chocolate in exchange for two more bites of his lunch, he obeyed.

I’ve owned dogs for years, and people think I’m crazy when I say owning a dog and raising a kid are similar. I still think they are … but I can see the kid being much more difficult. At least with a dog, after a year they’re smart, they’ve calmed a little and they’re trained. With a kid, after a year, you’re just starting. You’ve still go the terrible twos ahead of you, then middle school, then teenager and dates and staying out late ….

Hmmm, did I mention I like dogs?